09252017Headline:

A Piscine Expansion

800px-PotawatomiZooEntrance

 

And in today’s headline… “More snow falls over weekend. Crazed woman resolves to dig to freedom using teaspoon.”

Moving on.

Things around the Split level are feeling a little cramped lately. This ever-present reality is exacerbated by the fact children grow every day and it’s too cold to let them go live in the backyard for a while. But we Kellermans are problem solvers. When space is limited and claustrophobia begins to set in, we do the only thing we can do. Add more residents.

Nope, it’s not another baby, but you guys will be the first know. Like I always say, news of any import is shared with the internet, family and friends. In that order.

Let’s take a quick tally of Split level tenants:

The Editor
Husband
Butch
Sunance
Doc Holiday
Flea
Salvador Perez
Blewie

In the above list, “Blewie” is spelled phonetically. From what I understand, Sundance had originally dubbed him, “Goldie,” but after Husband pointed out to her our new pet is actually a vibrant blue, she made a few simple modifications.

I welcomed him with open arms. “You bought them a fish?”

Husband shrugged. “Well, the ones at the first pet store we went to looked awful, so we went somewhere else and found him.”

“That actually raises more questions than it answers.”

He picked an empty glass container off the counter. “The kids love him. I’m cleaning out the old fish bowl and throwing some of those red rocks in there. It’ll be fine.”

“If by “fine” you mean I’ll spend all of of my waking hours pulling the kids out of that bowl, then yes, silver linings abound. Why is it you’re always the one who buys the pets but I’m the one who ends up taking care of them?”

“Because that’s my evil plan. And you’re so great at it.”

“Right. Long ago, people stopped referring to me as Paige, and now I’m simply addressed as “The Doctor Doolittle of the Plains”.”

I didn’t have the energy to bring up the startling mortality rate fish experience once they’re brought home by Husband. The man means well, but in the seven years I’ve known him, two, possibly three betas have made the long journey to the big fish bowl in the sky. The jury’s still out on the great un-distilled water incident of 2008.  My prospects for Blewie are optimistic at best.

Then again, I’m responsible for him now, so, taking into consideration time, my devotion to fish, and the children’s enthusiasm for feeding him everyday, that bumps his survival prospects up to

…optimistic at best.

Paige Kellerman blogs about marriage, babies and gin at www.paigekellerman.com, and is the author of At Least My Belly Hides My Cankles: Mostly-True Tales of An Impending Miracle. You can reach her at paigekellerman@gmail.com.

 


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