BY. KRISTEN LAMB

When I was a little girl in school, I remember learning about great women in history, the Suffrage Movement, the Civil Rights Movement, equality in the workplace and daring dames out demolishing sexist stereotypes. As a child of the 70s, I always believed I could be anything when I grew up—an astronaut, a physicist, or maybe even the first female President of the United States.

Yet, I had no idea how limited my world was until the MTV Video Music Awards permitted Miley Cyrus to open my eyes, and boy do I feel dumb.

I HAD NO IDEA BOYS AND GIRLS WERE DIFFERENT

Oh, sure I got the “birds & the bees” from Mom and took Health Class in high school. I’m also married and gave birth to a child, but some things we can forget over time without a refresher. For instance, I can never remember how to create an Excel spreadsheet, how to make a holiday fruitcake, and, before voting, I have always to look up exactly what the Railroad Commissioner DOES.

Thanks to Miley, I NOW remember where my female reproductive parts can be found. Without Cyrus’s valour, the precise location of boy and girl parts might have been lost to history. Hoohahs could have become the next ATLANTIS.

Mere MYTH.

“Is the Vajayjay in the Caribbean?” “No, it’s under the Dead Sea!”

I THOUGHT FOAM FINGERS WERE FOR SPORTS ONLY

My own naivety embarrasses me. To think that we’ve wasted GENERATIONS using those giant foam fingers to demonstrate support for favorite sports teams as part of wholesome family fun. Insanity. We could’ve been using these props to ensure everyone knew the location of their private parts (*cough* Atlantis* Area 51*).

How much easier is dating now that singles don’t have to worry about things like “similar values” “a great personality” “solid character” or “having a job and no criminal history”? Clubs and social events everywhere can now make meeting other singles far simpler thanks to Cyrus’s foresight—Foam-Finger Date Training.

*Point foam-finger toward groin then mouth then lick suggestively if you want to go see a movie. Rinse. Repeat as necessary.*

IMPLICATIONS FOR THE SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY

According to biologists, there is a brand new species of mammal that has evaded detection, the Olinguito. Supposedly this species has been here all along, just mistaken for mammals with similar anatomical structures.

After the MTV Awards? I’m no longer so sure.

How long has Miley been “twerking” dancers in giant animal costumes? For all we know Cyrus has been having these relationships with stuffed animals for years! Wow, Hannah Montana. Just…wow. Do we even know the ramifications of this behavior? Is the Olinguito some undiscovered hybrid of fake fur and Miley Cyrus?

Exactly when did the Olinguito supposedly appear? *raises eyebrow*

All along, we’ve simply assumed stuffed animals and giant animal costumes couldn’t get pregnant. Sure, none of us want our cat or dog “twerking” our kid’s teddybears, and we generally swat pets for that nonsense because it’s gross (not to prevent conception). Yet, MTV has encouraged this strange mating behavior with no thought to what they could unleash into the ecosystem.

Perhaps the ramifications of this type of human/costume twerking is more profound than previously thought. In my opinion, the only way the scientific community can call itself responsible is to cheek swab Miley Cyrus and make sure she isn’t a Deadbeat Olinguito-Mama.

Miley, just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. Didn’t you ever watch “Jurassic Park?”

CYRUS SETS A NEW LOW BAR FOR THE ARTS

Since the years of Madonna, it seems so many female “artists” have struggled to break the glass ceiling of poor taste. Miley, CONGRATULATIONS! You finally did what generations of Disney child stars have been trying to accomplish. I wonder if the producers at MTV are already in tense negotiations with bar owners in Matamoros, Mexico because, short of a donkey show? How can any “artist” outdo THAT performance? *claps hands*

For some reason I thought a “music award” would have more to do with a performer’s ability to sing, maybe even dance AND sing. Cyrus has opened a world of opportunity now that performers are now “performers” *wink, wink, nod, nod*.

THANK YOU, MILEY FOR REDEFINING FEMALE EMPOWERMENT

All these years I’ve been under the mistaken impression that feminism was about us women being acknowledged for our intellect, our personalities, and perhaps what we might contribute to our greater global community. How much money are parents wasting on college when our young daughters could simply get “MTV Video Music Award Training” at a local strip club? I mean, do girls really need to know how to SING if they’re emulating coitus with a dancer wearing a giant beaver costume?

*Um, she was singing?*

*I was too busy staring at the beaver.*

CYRUS SOLVES PAYING FOR KID’S COLLEGE

And instead of US PARENTS PAYING for college, our kids could be MAKING money on a pole. No brains, work, personality, moral fiber or effort required. Just a g-string and killer heels. Unless one wants to follow the “Cyrus Model” and then all us gals need is a pair of extra-tall nude pantyhose, two coffee filters and a long paper hand towel from the Ladies’ Restroom.

Who knew THAT could be an outfit? Why didn’t Vogue see this sooner?

MARIE CURIE, ELIZABETH CADY STANTON, GOLDA MEIR? MOVE OVER!

Discovering radioactive particles or fighting for gender equality and human rights is SO YESTERDAY. Thanks to Cyrus’s courage, young women around the world never have to be ashamed that they’ve been attracted to Chuck E. Cheese since third grade.

Who would’ve thought that one utterly tasteless and desperate brave performance could have meant so much to the world? Girl parts now won’t need to be equipped with GPS and the foam-finger industry can create new jobs and revive the struggling economy. Science might get the the truth of where the Olinguito REALLY came from (and then sue Cyrus for any back child mammal-support).

Artists no longer need to be bothered with silly things like talent, practice, suffering, sacrifice, craft, or even basic decency. And young girls worldwide no longer have to worry about paying for college, since if we can “twerk” a stuffed bear on TV? Who cares that Syria is using chemical weapons against helpless people? Where was Miley when I was living off Ramen and working nights to get a college degree so I could change the world?

Wow, wonder when Cyrus will be added to Women’s History Month?

Bravo, Miley. Thanks for being the Susan B. Anthony for the modern woman. And thanks VMA Awards for making a mark on Women’s History that even OxyClean can’t remove.

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Kristen Lamb is the author of the #1 best-selling books We Are Not Alone—The Writer’s Guide to Social Media and Are You There, Blog? It’s Me, Writer. She’s just released her newest best-selling book . She’s the founder of the WANA Movement, CEO of WANA International and creator of WANATribe, the social network for creative professionals. Kristen is also a regular columnist for Author Magazine and blogs for Huffington Post.

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