12162017Headline:

My Cats are So FIRED!!! Life with Fuzzy Freeloaders

The ONLY "mouse" Johnny knows how to catch...

The ONLY “mouse” Johnny knows how to catch…

I have two cats—Johnny and Roo-Bee. Johnny is a year and a half old and thinks he’s a dog. Roo-Bee is eleven and an avid hunter…of baby socks and hair bands. Both of them are totally fired.

The story is this. Contractors are building new houses in what was once a field right behind us, so the “now-homeless” field mice apparently started a rock band and it didn’t work out…so they decided they’d move in with us. Pippa (the dog) told them my cooking is awesome and The Spawn throws cereal like fairy dust, coating the house.

Mouse HEAVEN.

So yesterday, Hubby goes to move a blanket and a tiny field mouse comes running out. What do my cats do? They stand and WATCH. I squeal and shout instructions (because I don’t want rabies) and also, someone needs to be Management *rolls eyes*. Meanwhile Hubby chases this inch-long mouse around the living room with a plastic cup.

My two cats fuzzy freeloaders?

Wow. You should totally call pest control.

Hey, which cabinet has the snacks? Pippa scored me some catnip & now I have the munchies.

Roo-Bee claims she hunts…useful things. Her defense? “What the hell? Are you now Lady Gaga? How are you going to style your hair with a MOUSE? I keep your bangs out of your face and your kid’s feet WARM.”

Admittedly, she has a point.

Johnny? He claims he was helping me as Assistant Manager and Shawn is the one who needs to try harder. In Johnny’s words, “Shawn just doesn’t live up to his potential.”

I have to confess, this might be added to Shawn’s quarterly review.

All this aside, Roo-Bee apparently needs cat training:

MICE!

Mouse image via Stephen Barnett Flikr Creative Commons.

Screen Shot 2013-04-24 at 3.50.47 PM

NOT MICE.

Hair Band image via Stephen Depolo Flikr Creative Commons.

The mouse got away, and now is probably living in our couch while Coco Puffs rain down between the cushions like Mouse Manna. Johnny and Roo-Bee claim they didn’t receive a proper training manual when abducted from the fields as kittens and thrust into a “world with no appropriate role models and we should be grateful they aren’t in a gang or pregnant.”

They also reminded us the Kitty Feeder was running low and the Cat Fountain needed to be topped off. Pippa wants to know if she can have a pet mouse.

NO!

Pleaaaase? Just ONE?

You’re a woman. Shouldn’t you be cleaning something right now? Like my litter box?

Anyway, I hope we find the mouse and can scoop him outside, cuz he was super cute and this makes murdering him a little harder. My husband and I are total suckers. At the ranch one of the family set out glue traps because the mice were making a MESS of the house.

My husband spent half the summer shampooing field mice out of glue traps and setting them free.

We could get ANOTHER cat. Like a bad@$$ cat from the streets, used to having to KILL for his food…but, admittedly, my pets are a seriously bad influence, and then we’d just have another freeloader watching us as we scramble around the living room trying to catch a mouse.

What about you? Do you have freeloaders, too? Or maybe a dog who thinks he’s a cat or cat who thinks she’s a dog? Or do your pets get too crazy killing stuff and delivering it on your pillow? Dead mice in your shoes?

***

Kristen Lamb is the author of the #1 best-selling books We Are Not Alone–The Writer’s Guide to Social Media and Are You There, Blog? It’s Me, Writer. Feel free to follow her weekday blog or find her on Facebook and Twitter. Kristen is the C.E.O. of WANA International and the founder of the social site for creatives, WANATribe.

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