VIEW 1: I Hope My Boss is Impressed by My Presentation
by Sara Johnson
Is my eye makeup okay? I covered the dark circles under my eyes, right? Hmm . . . okay, looks good in my bathroom lights, at least.
I can’t believe I only got four hours of sleep last night. I really wanted to go to bed early, so how did I wind up working on that presentation until 3:00 a.m.? Ugh, god, I hope I don’t yawn in front of everyone! That would be terrible, I would be so embarrassed!
Okay, everything in place? Purse, iPhone, tablet, wallet, body spray, nude lipstick, keys? Oh, coffee, can’t forget that! Alright, then. Let’s go.
I’m actually grateful for the five-block walk to work this morning. It gives me time to rehearse my presentation. Hopefully I can burn off some of this nervous energy, too. Okay, try rehearsing out loud. Just like I will when I’m up there:
“Good morning, everyone. Today I’m going to share a marketing plan for the Scorne account. I think you’ll find it reaches their demographic targets through a wide range of online and print media sources, as well as utilizing social media to get them engaged with the brand. . .”
Oh god, I should have left out slide 34. I knew I should have. Slide 34 is aimed at the wrong demographic. I know Adam’s going to hate it. Maybe I can just skip over 34 during the presentation? Ack, no! I already emailed the entire thing to Adam! He knows it’s there! But maybe that won’t matter if I skip over it? Then he’ll realize that I realize that slide 34 is a bad idea?
Yeah. Yeah, okay, that’s what I’ll do. And then, on the very-off-chance that Adam actually likes slide 34, he’ll see it in the slideshow I sent. So I’ll get points either way. Right?
Right enough, I guess.
Okay, deep breath. If this goes well—and it’s totally going to go well—I’ll be in line for that promotion. And I’ll get together for some celebratory drinks with my friends tonight. That’ll be fun!
VIEW 2: Girls are Single because They’re Too Ambitious.
by Mark Flannagan
Oh my god, Fido, just poop already. I can see Sara coming this way on her regular morning walk to work, and I don’t want to be scooping up your freakin’ poop when she walks past. She is the only reason I take you out at this exact time every morning, Fido, so don’t you wreck this up for me.
Oh god, she’s getting closer.
Wow, her hair looks really good this morning. It looks like shampoo-commercial hair. She probably doesn’t even have to spend that long on it. I hope she doesn’t, anyway. I hope she’s not one of those girls who worries about her hair all the time. Those girls are so self-absorbed, and Sara doesn’t have to worry about that. She’s so naturally pretty.
Okay, she’s about close enough for me to say something. Deep breath. Another deep breath. Keep it casual.
“Hey, Sara! How’s the morning walk?”
“Good, thanks. Have a great morning with Fido.”
That’s it? She didn’t even stop walking! Okay, just say something else before she can get too far. “Hey, by the way, what kind of coffee do you drink?”
“Umm, just whatever’s on sale, as long as it’s not decaf. Gotta go, have a good day.”
Well, damn, she made that pretty clear. Could she have been any more dismissive? It was pretty rude, actually. I felt like I was just talking at her, instead of to her.
She’s just always so preoccupied by her work. She’s like one of those girls who walks around with her nose stuck in a book all the time, never looking up to see the people around her. Girls like that always wind up dating jerks. If she’d just look up and actually talk to me, she’d see I was a great guy. I could make her really happy. Instead she’s just so self-absorbed and single-mindedly focused on her work.
There are so many smart single girls like that. But they don’t have to be single! If they’d just stop focusing on being “young professionals” and trying to prove they’re “successful women,” they could have really amazing boyfriends. Like me.
It’s not all in my head, I’ve asked all my friends, they all agree smart women are like this. They just have self-absorbed attitudes. Like no man is good enough to take their focus from their jobs. And it’s misguided, too! I mean, later on in their lives they’re going to look up from their jobs and realize they’re alone, and the best-looking years of their lives are gone, and now they’ll really be stuck dating jerks because all the good guys will be taken! They’re wasting the best-looking years of their lives focusing on nothing but their jobs.
And meanwhile, they’re not giving great guys like me a chance. And it’s their own fault that they and the guys they could be dating are single and lonely. It’s not fair.
*** Author’s note: This is satire, by the way. Sara Johnson and Mark Flannagan are creations of mine. ***
L. Marrick is an author, ghostwriter, and suitcase entrepreneur—which is a hipster way of saying she travels and works from her laptop. Her blog, SomewhatMoralProject, is where she writes about sex work, trafficking, freedom, and slavery. Her memoir, “Working Girl: 132 Somewhat Moral Values I Learned from a Sex Worker,” tells about when she answered a shady classified ad and wound up working as a sex worker’s personal assistant.
© L. Marrick 2015. The content of this article, except for quoted or linked source materials, is protected by copyright. Please contact the author at the above links to request usage.