By KM Huber
It may be that we look through the wrong lens when it comes to illness and disease. We zoom in on illness to label it for further study. We examine all of its characteristics closely, sometimes so much so that we become our illness or disease. We suffer.
I know. For decades, I identified as autoimmune disease. Five years ago, I decided I was not my disease. To stop my suffering, I had to see me as a person with chronic illness.
Immediately, I looked through a wide-angle lens, broadening my perspective. In changing the view, I realized only I can change my relationship with disease.
Pain is a part of life but suffering is entirely up to me.
That Buddhist teaching served me well in my recent diagnosis of cervical myelopathy, particularly during the two weeks I had to wait to have the surgery.
Every minute of every day, I lived with the risk of becoming a quadriplegic. I was not to drive or even ride in a car–in a vehicle, my chances increased to one in 100. I stayed home in bed.
People lying in bed ill are lucky because they have the opportunity
to do nothing but contemplate stress and pain.
Their minds don’t take up anything else, don’t go anywhere else.
They can contemplate pain at all times — and let go of pain at all times, too.
Upasika Kee Nanayon
During my two weeks of mostly lying in bed, I read Nanayon’s essay more than a few times. I focused on the word “lucky” for this new illness did feel like an opportunity. Yes, I mean that, and no, there were no major drugs involved.
It was as if I was given another chance to experience a major illness without becoming it. This time, it would be different. I would not focus on the pain and stress—the suffering–but the experience of it as part of being alive, breathing in and breathing out.
Here was an opportunity to meditate 24 hours a day. There really was not any medication for a pinched spinal cord that was decreasing the mobility and use of my limbs while my joints continued to ache.
I had to stop taking any over-the-counter medication in preparation for the surgery.
I had plenty of time to contemplate the sensations of my body, including my fear of becoming quadriplegic. In order to let all of it go, I had to empty my mind.
When the mind is empty, in line with its nature,
there’s no sense of ownership in it;
there are no labels for itself.
No matter what thoughts occur to it, it sees them as insubstantial,
as empty of self.
There’s simply a sensation that then passes away.
A sensation that passes away, and that’s all.
Upasika Kee Nanayon
This is the opportunity of illness, stripping away the fear and anxiety that make pain so deceptively powerful. Without an identity, without a label, pain is just another sensation that comes and goes. No label, no way for suffering to take root.
I had to get away from labeling both the “what ifs” and the actual pain sensations. Mine was to experience but not to hold onto what was happening. That would label the sensation—give it a way to stick—suffering would have a way to grow.
Focusing on the breath allows label after label to drop into the mind without sticking. The mind stays “in line with its nature” as labels float in and out, each experience occurring and then leaving. Not attaching to the sensation is to experience it with the wonder of being alive.
With the exception of physical death, there is not a single sensation that carries one and only one guarantee. Rather, if we can let go of the guarantee of the label, each experience of our life will guarantee us unimaginable wonder.
As humans, we communicate with labels—they are a necessity–but we do not have to become them or hold onto them. Labels inform and pave the way for what comes next. That is their only purpose.
For me, autoimmune disease and now recovery from surgery are labels that sometimes stick. Eventually, they float away on my breath.
After all, I am no longer “lucky” to be lying in bed only having to contemplate stress and pain. Now, there is more to experience than the opportunity of illness. And that is my good fortune.
KM Huber is a writer who learned Zen from a beagle. She believes the moment is all we ever have, and it is enough. In her early life as a hippie, she practiced poetry, and although her middle years were a bit of a muddle, she remains an overtly optimistic sexagenerian, writing prose. Her writing has appeared in The Washington Post, she blogs at kmhubersblog.com, may be followed on Twitter @KM_Huber or contacted by email at writetotheranch[at]gmail[dot]com.
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