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The Neti Pot Theory

"When I lean like this, I can almost hear you telling me I'm an idiot."

“When I lean like this, I can almost hear you telling me I’m an idiot.”

“Would you like another pepper?”

It’s the number one question Sundance has asked since I started on this quest that is trying to figure out what’s going on with my ear.Gladly, I nod and accept another jalapeno and keep wondering when I’ll stop hearing my own voice in my head. (Turns out, I’m long-winded and fairly annoying.)

The good news is I’ve stopped spinning and my hearing’s sort of back. The bad news is my hypochondria went crazy and made an appointment for me to purchase a very expensive lecture.

I blame the Neti Pot.

For those of you who don’t know, a Neti Pot is a little, plastic teapot you fill with saline solution and dump into your nose. A great way to clean the sinuses. A terrible way to seduce someone you have your eye on.

It was all well and good. I mixed. I poured. I lost all the hearing in my right ear. And, as is consistent with my nature where it concerns health issues, I panicked. Never expect anything less from me.

“Hello, Ear, Nose and Throat Doctor? I just pulled a full Beethoven on my right side and need to see you right away. Did I get a referral? Nope, let’s just cut out the middle man here and embrace my erratic whim. Uh huh.

No, I’ve never been to medical school.

Just put me down for the 2:20pm slot. The baby just plugged the tub and is drawing himself a luxurious bubble bath. Gotta go.”

There was just one, tiny problem. The next day, my ear felt fine.

The nurse looked me up and down. “So, today you can hear?”

Sheepishly, I smiled and looked at the various implements lying on the table, just ripe for shoving up someone else’s deserving nose. “Umm, I used a Neti Pot and um, I just thought I’d talk to the doctor anyway?”

“I see. Your blood pressure’s low.”

“Probably because my kids aren’t here.”

*Enter Doctor Stage Right*

“So the nurse tells me you can hear ok today?”

“I mean, it’s crackling in and out, but basically, yes.”

“Your hearing test came back fine.”

“Well, it’s like this. I used a Neti Pot and-”

“Let me tell you what’s going on.”

“Please do, because I rarely know.”

*Insert really long talk about how Eustachian tubes work*

“So, basically, it’s normal for this type of thing to go on for months before it clears up.”

Shamed and short fifty dollars, I slunk out of the office and back to the van …where my hearing went out again. In the game of life, sometimes I’m fairly convinced I’m just a “Move back two spaces” card” stuck at the bottom of the pile.

…or one of those eight-sided dice. It really could go either way.

So today things are still kind of on the fritz, but at least there’s light at the end of the tunnel. And now that I don’t have to worry about my ear, nose, and throat problems so much, it frees up time to figure out what’s going on with my tooth, eyes, and split ends.

I’m falling apart.

Paige Kellerman blogs about marriage, babies and gin at www.paigekellerman.com, and is the author of At Least My Belly Hides My Cankles: Mostly-True Tales of An Impending Miracle. You can reach her at paigekellerman@gmail.com


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