Piper Bayard 2012
Last week, I announced that, through sheer frustration, I am running for President of the United States of America. I outlined my platform in an attempt to demonstrate that I am the least unqualified of the unqualified candidates currently hocking their propaganda on prime time. I am both touched and humbled by your enthusiastic response.
Many of you, all intelligent, productive, decent citizens of this great country, crinkled your eyes and asked, “Really? Are you serious?”
And while I have not yet arranged for fumigation of the Oval Office, to that question I would answer, “Why not?”
I know it sounds as crazy and unlikely as . . . oh . . . a woman deciding to wear a meat dress to a music awards show, but America was not built on sanity.
Lady Gaga, image from imagesforfree.org
Was it sane to get in little wooden boats without casinos or shuffleboards to sail across an ocean back when most people still believed the world was flat? Was it sane to rebel against one of the most powerful nations in the world with little more than peashooters and rude gestures? And was it sane to found a country with a completely original form of government, based on ideas drawn from the Iroquois tribes, the ancient Greeks, contemporary philosophers, and the jokes on the backs of cereal boxes? No. But it happened, and it happened to great success.
Sanity is not an American virtue. Neither is playing the odds. Doing a thing and never looking back is an American virtue, and I am an American.
Therefore, I will proceed with my campaign until either I am elected president of this great nation, until a more qualified candidate steps forward, or until you get tired of hearing about it, whichever comes first.
This week I am proud to introduce to you my Vice Presidential Space Saving Running Mate, Kristen Lamb. Space Saving in political campaigns is a time-honored tradition in which a candidate or elected official simply sits in the chair or “saves the space” until a qualified candidate can be found. Clearly, that is what both the Dems and the GOP are doing in the hopes that one of them will eventually appear more qualified than I am.
Kristen Lamb is my Vice Presidential Space Saving Running Mate because she was willing to purchase her own t-shirt for the campaign, and because she has great strengths in creative writing. That’ mean’s she’s qualified to draft a budget. However, she is only my Space Saving running mate because she’s entirely too intelligent and ambitious to restrain her own presidential aspirations for long. In fact, she has already suggested that I shop for my campaign wardrobe at Target.
Once a dimmer, less ambitious, and, therefore, more qualified vice-presidential candidate is available to fill the position, Kristen will be out of here like Congress on a Friday afternoon. At that time, she will become the first Official Presidential Political Satirist and Congressional Jester, because Big It knows Washington needs some humility and a reality check.
And now, my fellow Americans, I present to you the next Vice President Space Saver of the United States of America, Kristen Lamb.
Hello fellow Americans. Like Piper, I, too, am feeling less than enthusiastic about the choices I’m being offered for President in 2012. So, okay. I’ll do it. I will be Vice President if you’ll have me.
Why should I be VP? Well, the only reason I agreed to run for this job was because it offered me a rare opportunity to carry on a Vice Presidential tradition. Upon my election, I promise to take all of those currently running for President—heck, throw in all of Congress—and treat them to a nice hunting trip in Texas.
America, that’s for you. You’re welcome.
First, as Vice President, I would ensure that Washington received a serious reality check.
I think there is something fundamentally wrong with letting politicians handle trillions of dollars at a time. They lose a sense of what money is worth. I believe Congress is not representative of the people.
How many people in Washington graduated from junior college and carpool to work because the tires on their 1998 Honda Civic are bald? How many dread getting the mail because the college loan that’s been deferred 21 times is now coming due? How many members of Congress had to sell their blood to put gas in their cars?
My point, exactly.
Thus, one of the first things I would like to do is launch the “Give a Politician a Serious Reality Check Reality Show” where camera crews will follow members of Congress as they are introduced to being “real” Americans.
In between Congressional sessions, members of Congress will be moved to two-bedroom apartments to share with their spouses and four children. Those members of Congress who do not happen have school-age children will each be assigned a brat from MTV’s “My Sweet Sixteen” to serve as their kids for the duration of the season. Face it. The little prima donna who threw a fit because Daddy bought the wrong color Saab for her birthday seriously needs to go to public school in the latest Goodwill fashions.
After being assigned ungrateful and unruly teenage children, each member of Congress will be given a choice of jobs:
- Cashier at Piggly Wiggly
- Customer Service Rep for the Sprint Kiosk in the Mall
- Waiting Tables at Mexican Inn
- Fry Cook at McDonalds
- Assistant Manager of WalMart
- Collection Agent for Capitol One
Members of Congress will be stripped of maids, nannies and personal assistants, and camera crews will follow them as they do their own laundry, errands, bills, and shopping.
But see, there is one more twist to my “Give a Politician a Serious Reality Check Reality Show.” Like “American Idol,” we, the viewing audience, will be able to follow each member of Congress. But BETTER than “American Idol,” citizens can give what I call an “Up the Heat Donation.”
Choose a member of Congress you would like to feel more heat, and we can arrange for a job loss right before rent, the power company to send a $900 bill because the neighbor has been pirating electricity, or even for one of their assigned brats to run up a $1400 cell phone bill and get the phones shut off. Car trouble, dead-beat “family” members moving in unexpectedly, and even day care drama can be arranged for Congress to enjoy . . . for a small tax-deductible donation.
All money raised off the ”Give a Politician a Serious Reality Check Reality Show” will go to paying off this horrific national debt. I also think the show will result in a serious change in attitude when Congress gets their $286 a week paycheck…that is only $165 after all the taxes they voted for. But no worries, we can also arrange for them to have three part-time jobs to make ends meet just like the rest of us.
After the members of Congress get a taste of what they’ve been feeding to the American people, we will then set them up with the ladies from Extreme Couponing to show them how budgeting is really done. If these ladies can get $5,000 worth of groceries for $1.92, they are clearly more qualified to write a budget than yahoos who use the tax payer as a human credit card, and who don’t understand that our children’s futures are not Monopoly money.
This is just a small taste of what I will accomplish as the next Vice President of the United States of America. Thank you for your time and support.
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Thank you, Kristen. You are an inspiration.
So now you have it, my fellow Americans. The Bayard/Lamb Ticket for President and Vice President of the United States of America.
Bayard/Lamb 2012 – Finally a Pair in the White House
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Piper Bayard is a recovering attorney with a university degree or two and a belly dancer from waaaay back. She currently pens post-apocalyptic sci-fi and spy novels with Holmes when she isn’t shooting, SCUBA diving, or chauffeuring her children.
‘Jay Holmes’, is an intelligence veteran of the Cold War and remains an anonymous member of the intelligence community. Piper is the public face of their partnership.
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