By Piper Bayard and Jay Holmes

Last year, an immigration officer in the UK found a cheap, creative way to get rid of his wife. He used his position to put her on a terrorist watch list while she was away on vacation in Pakistan. She was stuck there three years. Then, the immigration officer applied for a promotion, and, while vetting him for the new position, his superiors discovered what he had done.

While we find his behavior reprehensible, this does suggest a solution to the high crime rates in America while boosting the American economy. We call it our Club Penitentiary Program.

Recidivist criminals are a problem for all countries, and the US is no exception. You’ve heard of the “three strikes and you’re out” policy that some states have for their felons? We think the “out” part should be more literal. Let’s reward the tenacity of these outlaws by offering them all-expense-paid vacations to the Axis of Evil country of their choosing.

Our research indicates that, for the paltry sum of $1500/tourist, we can charter our own flight and transport these vacation-starved inmates in bulk. Here’s how it works.

As each of these fun-loving American tourists boards the bus at the penitentiary for the trip to the airport, his or her name will be added to the Dept. of Homeland Security terrorist database. This will prevent them from ever returning to the United States.

As they board the plane, our friendly Attica guards professional flight crews will dose them with strong sedatives. We know that sounds expensive, but no worries! We will recycle unused medications from nursing home patients who pass away leaving behind their unused pills.

We have not included a doctor or pharmacologist in the budget. However, we have hired a convicted crack dealer who was saved by religion just before his parole board meeting, and we believe he’ll get each traveler the right medication and dosage most of the time. In any event, we’ll make sure the passengers get what they need to be on their best behavior for the duration.

Here’s what a Club Pen jaunt to Korea would look like. Upon their arrival in Seoul, our South Korean allies will transfer the unconscious inmates excited tourists to North Korean-bound buses. Each reveler will receive a hot, flat, South Korean beer and the necessary South Korean documentation to become citizens of North Korea.

For enticement to accept the offer, we will give travelers $500 cash each to spend as they see fit at their vacation destination. Also, in exchange for South Korea’s quiet assistance, it will receive a $200/inmate reimbursement.

If the South Koreans should refuse to cooperate, with one or two phone calls, we can get the Chinese to do it for half that price.  Although, with the Chinese option, we can’t guarantee the safe arrival of the travelers in North Korea.

We know what you’re thinking. Every responsible American’s first question is, “Where do we get the money for this outstanding program?”

Consider that the average annual cost for incarcerating a violent offender in the US is about $27k per year. Spending two or three grand to say Adios! to these rather interesting and adventurous folks would generate a savings of $25k per inmate the first year, alone. And just think what the taxpayers will save over the course of a life sentence!

This is win/win for everyone. Psychopaths get what they want, which is out of prison. Communities win by not having these violent psychopaths in their neighborhoods. The taxpayers win by realizing tremendous savings. South Korea wins by picking up a little sorely needed cash and finally enjoying the opportunity to do something for us for a change after years of having to suffer the humiliation of existing only at the grace of the American defense budget. And even the North Koreans win. Compared to the oligarchy that controls North Korea now, these new visitors will be bringing an infusion of cash, ideas, and a higher level of morality than their current leadership has ever demonstrated.

So the next time your state government wants to outsource prison services, encourage them not to settle for half measures. Call Bayard & Holmes for the Club Penitentiary Program–Longterm Travel Solutions for Modern Problems.

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Piper Bayard is a belly dancer from way back and a recovering attorney with a university degree or two. She currently pens post-apocalyptic sci-fi and spy novels with Holmes when she isn’t shooting, SCUBA diving, or chauffeuring her children. Her debut sci-fi thriller, ARCHER’S RECKONING, will be available this spring from Stonehouse Ink.

 ‘Jay Holmes’, is an intelligence veteran of the Cold War and remains an anonymous member of the intelligence community. Piper is the public face of their partnership.

Bayard & Holmes blog at Bayard & Holmes. You may contact them in blog comments, on Twitter at , on Facebook at , or by email at .

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