Harold the Christmas Tree chatted casually with Gilda the taffeta curtain, blissfully unaware he was about to be stripped naked and strangled with his own tinsel.
Those of you who came to see if I left any PopTarts alive after breakfast this morning can leave. They’re gone. They didn’t put up a fight. They were delicious, slathered in nothing but the hope that all the calories evaporated, before they engaged my ever-flagging metabolism in one of the saddest duels in all of mankind’s history.
The PopTarts were all like, “On guard.”
And my body was all, “Meh. I surrender”
The rest of you may stay and learn why you should never have a toddler and a Christmas tree. What? You insist on having both?
Ok. Let me go get the extra PopTart I hid from you, and let’s get started….
“But, I want to put up my hand-crafted, stained glass, miniature Santa made by Peruvian monks.” You say.
And I say, learn how to decorate with toilet paper. Toddlers like nothing better than hiding ornaments in their pants, and letting the whole stash fall out when you least expect it, a great way to give you a heart attack.
i.e. “We used to have a beautiful, crystal rendering of “Eight maids a Milking Shoot the Partridge in A Pear Tree for Dinner,” until it fell out of Jake’s pants.”
These seem innocent enough.
“Oh, Howard. Would ya just look at the way that fluffy gold stuff just evens things right out?”
“I know, Marleen. You should try to weave some into a girdle.”
…right up until the time you look over to see your daughter has climbed under it, declared, “I’m a decoration,” and begun to run forward. Best to scrap them.
5.) Presents
So you convinced yourself your toddler was actually good enough to merit a gift this year. Lies. But you don’t have to worry. Those presents are hidden until Christmas. What you do have to worry about is the three-tiered Precious Moments cake stand you bought for Great Aunt Ida.
Do not leave any presents under the tree, unless you associate, “Christmas Cheer” with “We talked her down off the roof of the convenience store, but we can’t get her to let go of all the mini donuts she stole. Something about not making her go back home. The whole thing’s just disturbing.”
Banned List:
Tree toppers
Table Centerpieces
Christmas Stockings made from anything other than tarp
Candles, luminaries, your famous “Flaming Good Time Wassail Punch”
Fun
Snow
Anything with bells
Note: The one thing that shall redeem the toddler is their unique ability to be more excited than everyone else on Christmas day. So, as you stare at your bare house and tree that morning, try to remember that this too shall pass, and next year they’ll be even more capable of taking the light display off the house.
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Paige Kellerman blogs about marriage, babies and gin at www.paigekellerman.com. You can reach her at .
She also hides out on and .
