Creative Swearing for Parents (and other Swearers)
by Jenny Hansen

My 2 year-old is starting to repeat everything I say and well…I don’t really want her to say some of those words.

I swear when things aren’t going smoothly. I think everyone does, except my Aunt Sherry who taught kindergarten for 30+ years. If you’re like ME, you try your best not to swear, but there are just times when only the blue words will work. For some in my circle of family and friends, it’s not uncommon for strangers to approach them and ask “if they kiss their mother with that mouth?!!”

I’m in the middle of the Blue Words Super Highway. If I’m in pain, or the PMS Fairy comes to visit me, it’s a sure bet I’m gonna whip out some juicy gooey-delicious swear words. But I try to refrain. One thing helping my current Clean Mouth Campaign is that I’m related to SO many creatively clean potty mouths. I’ve got tons of funny variety to help me stay on the non-swearing side of the street.

For example, I’ve got my “non-cursing” brother who says things like:

• “Listen, Fartknocker!” when his fellow drivers upset him. (translation: A-hole)
• Or “Dude, YOU are just a turtleneck with ears!” (translation: “D*!”)
• Then there’s my very favorite way he describes “white trash”: “Sis, this place was supposed to be a ‘resort’ but it was ‘Whiskey Tango’ Central over there.”

Really, my whole family has the knack:

• My cousin Carrie, when she’s pissed off at her hubby, yells: “Well God BLESS!” in a super funny-scary voice. Or “Two tears in a bucket…” (Cause “bucket” rhymes with “f*c% it!”) She kills me every time she says it.
• Another cousin’s way to call you an idiot is to say, “You need Jesus.”
• Computer dude cousins reference their boneheaded end-users as “having an I D 10 T Error” (pronounced “eye-dee-ten-tee,” which is easily translated on paper).
• My mother’s most frequent warning, when I was getting close to THE LINE was to say, “Jennifer Jo…” (in that spooky voice ALL parents seem to master). She’d follow it up with, “You’re tap dancing on my last nerve!!!”
• And when I was about to cross the point of no return into DEEP doo-doo, she’d say “Are we gonna have a donkey barbecue?” (That would be an “ass chewin’.”)
• There’s the ever popular “Shut the front door!” (I don’t have to translate that, right?)
• Plus, I grew up in a neighborhood where, if you weren’t black, you were Jewish (I am neither) so I’ve got a creative arsenal of Yiddish words to help me out. “Schmuck” is my all-time favorite way to call someone “a stupid tiny peckerhead.” (List of English words of Yiddish origin.)

But I’d say my MOST preferred way to cleanly drop the F-Bomb, adopted by one of my Besties and adored by everyone in my circle, is to say:

“FOCUS, people!” or “You need to focus!!”

The translation for this can be found here, or you can just scroll down.

A few more clicks.

Down a little more…

Just a liiiiiittle further…..

OK, this should be far enough for y’all to have shooed away your youngers and elders:

F*@%

Off

Cuz

Ur

Stupid

It’s made boring meetings MUCH more bearable for me.

If YOU have any “clean” delights to share, we’d love to hear them on social media. Just tag us here at SocialN so we can appreciate how creative you are.

Jenny

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About Jenny Hansen

By day, Jenny provides training and social media marketing for an accounting firm. By night she writes humor, memoir, women’s fiction and short stories. After 15 years as a corporate software trainer, she’s delighted to sit down while she works.

When she’s not at her personal blog, More Cowbell, Jenny can be found on Twitter at or at Writers In The Storm. Jenny also writes the Risky Baby Business posts at More Cowbell, a series that focuses on babies, new parents and high-risk pregnancy.

© 2012 Jenny Hansen. All content on this page is protected by copyright. If you would like to use any part of this, please contact me at the above links to request permission.