BY KRISTEN LAMB

Yesterday, I had a hard realization. I’ve officially become my mother. You know you’ve been there, especially if you’re a parent. You hear phrases like these come out of your mouth:

“Because I said so.”
“Sorry, I don’t speak Whine-ese. Come back when you can ask in English.”
“Life isn’t fair. Fair is a weather condition.”
“When the mind is stupid, the body suffers.”
“Why are there GOLDFISH in the Blu-Ray player?”
“I’m not the maid, you know. This isn’t a hotel.”
“This is a dictatorship, not a democracy. I don’t recall giving you a vote.”
“Why are there MATCHBOX CARS in my BED?”

At first, the transitions are small. We might catch a quick glance of our profile in the mirror and think “MOM?” (or “DAD?” for the guys). Words we swore we’d never say come flying out of our mouths. Suddenly we’re equipped with an eerie Spidey-Sense that simply “knows” when a toddler (or kid) is up to something.

Something likely involving our high-end electronics, a pet, table fan and bungee-cords.

I remember years ago rolling my eyes at my mom. She’d go to one store for produce and another for meat and another for dry goods. I knew when I grew up I wouldn’t waste so much time and gas going to four different stores. That was SO DUMB…

Yeah, about that.

So yesterday, I knew I was treading into “I’ve Become My Mother” waters when I made a special trip to one grocery store because the garlic I bought was bad. I drove ten miles (there and back) to return a $3.99 package of garlic. That was the first omen.

Upon getting back $4 CASH, I decided to go ahead and shop. This particular store is known more for ambient lighting and a vast wine selection than great deals, but often they have deals that WILL off-set the gouging.

I was faithful.

Fritos. $3.49 a for a small bag? Hmmm, that’s a tad high. Ok. Hawaiian rolls. $5.49 for TWELVE? What? Are they made of fairy magic and unicorn tears? Ok. I don’t want to go anywhere else. I’m here. SURELY I will find a deal.

FIFTEEN DOLLARS FOR A PACKAGE OF REGULAR HAMBURGER MEAT? Not Wagyu beef, or beef massaged by virgin hands with GOLD. Regular 80/20 hamburger meat. ARE THEY HIGH?

The ONLY stuff cheaply priced in the store was the wine, simply because one would have to be DRUNK to pay that much for groceries.

So I put back everything (because I have manners) and took my toddler and left for another store.

I was trying to be a one-stop-shop, but as much as I try? I CAN’T. Why?

I work to live on a budget.
I cook.
I have a BAZILLION food allergies.
I refuse to buy GMO and prefer organic produce.
Yes, I’m cheap.

Thus, thirty years later, I am my mother. I drive to Albertson’s because they have the best ground beef and cheap Pull-Ups (The Spawn and potty-training? Might as well be trying to teach him Advanced Particle Physics). I go to Kroger’s because they have the only caffeine drink I like (can’t drink coffee because allergic to dairy and non-dairy creamers SUCK). I go to Trader Joe’s (15 miles away) because they have the best and cheapest non-GMO organic produce. I go to Costco for potatoes and office supplies, and YES….

I CONFESS! I SERVE THE DEVIL!

I shop at Wal-Mart, but only because they have the cheapest GF products, medicines, cleaning products and toiletries. Come on! All other stores? $8 for Baby Tylenol. Wal-Mart? $1.99. You can’t leave that deal on the table.

They are also the ONLY store I’ve found who stocks CHICKEN Vienna Sausages, not solely the Mystery Meat kind. And yes, Vienna Sausages ARE gross, but they are GF, dairy-free and I travel. They come in handy when stranded in airports.

Also, our Wal-Mart has the nicest checkers. They all know me . They also know how to sack groceries, which is a lost art.

***Why are you putting 5 cans and two large GLASS jars in ONE sack? The tinsel strength of a tiny plastic bag can’t take the weight of a BUICK! What’s WRONG WITH YOU?***

I know I am probably wasting all kinds of time and gas, but I…just…can’t…help *clothes rip* *scream* *roar* MOMMA’S HERE! Did you remember your list and coupons?

****

Kristen is the author of the new best-selling book,  in addition to the #1 best-selling books We Are Not Alone—The Writer’s Guide to Social Media and Are You There, Blog? It’s Me, Writer. She’s a contributing humor blogger for SocialIn, a blog that reaches 2.5 million and blogs for The Huffington Post. You can also follow her author blog here. She is also the Social Media Columnist for Author Magazine. Feel free to follow her on Twitter at and on