By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes*

We, a pragmatic author/belly dancer and a spook who solves most of life’s problems with sex, C4, or hollow points, cleared our schedules so that we can assist you with your holiday survival questions in the month of December.

Secret agent dancing with beautiful woman. Not us. Click  for that hot tango from True Lies.

Let’s see what’s on your minds this week. . . .

Our reader, Alex, asks, “I’ve heard a lot about the TSA patdown procedures, but I really don’t want the radiation exposure of the scanners. I’m worried. At fourteen, I’m a virgin, and I don’t want to change that in an airport in public.”

Holmes sums up both of our reactions to this question quite well. “Avoid the radiation by all means. Situations like these make me long for the good old Cold War. At least back then, the government knew who we were and weren’t supposed to irradiate, and we weren’t planning to offer those SOB’s any patdown options.”

We realize the TSA grope is a subject that causes great stress for many travelers, and our entire goal is to alleviate your holiday concerns. So we just spent the better part of our evening sipping 10-yr-old Guinda (recently smuggled in from Spain) and discussing some creative methods of reducing your stress and lightening up the travel season for you and all your fellow travelers. Along with discussing other grave matters of national security, of course.

We’ll start by livening the holiday travel season for these beleaguered TSA employees. After all, how would you feel if your boss was Janet Napolitano, suspected calorically-enhanced twin sister of Janet Reno?

Images from US Dept. of Justice and US Dept. of Homeland Security, respectively.

We’re offering these suggestions to help you make your TSA Patdown fun for you and memorable for your TSA agent. Let’s fill America’s airports with laughter and joy this holiday season. It’s win/win.

Ways to have Fun with Your TSA Patdown

• Pretend to relax and enjoy it. In fact, moan loudly with pleasure. After all, lots of folks enjoy a good groping. Be sure to cry out with passion to let your TSA agents know how much you appreciate their security technique. When it’s all done, compliment them. Let them know that it was everything you had dreamed of. Click  for Meg Ryan’s example from “When Harry Met Sally.”

• For men, wear a kilt with no underwear. When they get to your genitals, have a bouquet of flowers pop out of your cod purse with the music, “Bad Romance” by Lady Gaga. Then, in your best Mike Myers Scottish accent, exclaim, “Ah, Laddie, ye give such good grroope!”
• If you’re traveling with a church group, you should all cry out, “Hallelujah, the rapture is coming!” and start speaking in tongues.
• Educate the TSA agent to the benefits of becoming an Amway salesman and refuse to move on until you have finished with your sales pitch.
• If you are a melanin-gifted traveler, and you’re being groped by a melanin-challenged TSA agent, burst out singing Perry Como’s “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas” with the broadest smile you can muster.
• Pretend you don’t speak English. Whatever translator they bring you, pretend you don’t speak that language, either.
• Tell your TSA agent that if her groping inspires an out-of-body experience, you will reward her with a kiss and a phone call tomorrow.

If the TSA fails to offer you a complimentary groping and attempts to re-route you through a metal detector, remind them loudly that you paid full fare for this ticket and you are every bit as entitled to one free groping as any other traveler would be.

Don’t worry, Alex, after your grope, you’ll still be a virgin, but if they offer the free cavity search, definitely turn them down. And remember, you’re in good hands with TSA.

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*Piper Bayard is a belly dancer from way back and a recovering attorney with a university degree or two. She currently pens post-apocalyptic sci-fi and spy novels with Holmes when she isn’t shooting, SCUBA diving, or chauffeuring her children.

 ‘Jay Holmes’, is an intelligence veteran of the Cold War and remains an anonymous member of the intelligence community. Piper is the public face of their partnership.

Bayard & Holmes blog at Bayard & Holmes. You may contact them in blog comments, on Twitter at, on Facebook at , or by email at . 

© 2012 Piper Bayard. All content on this page is protected by copyright. If you would like to use any part of this, please contact us at the above links to request permission.